10 Oct Life or Death
Sensitive Content: Domestic Violence
I have been hesitating to write this blog post for a while, but this morning I was scrolling social media and read that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I took it as a sign that it was time to take a risk and approach a subject that can be difficult to discuss, as it is a heavy and serious topic.
Back in 2010, when I attended a Women’s Weekend about Relationships, I heard the facilitator say that one of the biggest decisions we make is the choice of our Lifetime Mate. I was 28 at the time and five years into my current relationship. I had just begun therapy and this was the beginning of my personal development journey. On a logical level, I accepted and agreed that choosing a lifetime partner is definitely one of the biggest decisions we make in our lives. However, with my lack of experience at the time, I didn’t really understand why it was so significant, and the severity of the consequences of choosing the wrong partner.
“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships” - Tony Robbins
That Weekend is also when I was first introduced to the concept of Compatibility. Compatibility means taking the time to truly establish whether you and another person are in alignment about what the future looks like, but also how to manage the day to day operations of living and creating the life you want to live. This includes how to manage conflict, disagreements, challenges, and each other’s personalities and behaviours.
True compatibility is hard to determine during the dating phase of a relationship. The nature of dating is such that you spend time with someone, putting everything else aside to show up at your best and enjoy your time together. The shadow part of your personality and the relationship dynamic is not revealed until you spend day and night together, merging your responsibilities and having to manage the day to day tasks of living. That’s when you really get to know someone.
What is revealed in an intimate relationship are the unresolved issues and traumas from childhood and previous relationships. - Veronica Weston
My psychologist had me read “Divorce Won’t Help” by Edmund Bergler (1948) when I first started therapy. The basic concept being that we cannot blame others in relationship. We need to look within and explore our own “neurosis” and address our own unresolved issues, otherwise we will go from relationship to relationship, expecting things to be different. My biggest take away from the book was understanding that there are not two personalities in a relationship, there are actually four. Both partners have a conscious personality, but they also have an unconscious or shadow personality. When we are not aware of this, we think we are dealing with our partner’s conscious behaviour and personality, but in reality, we are dealing with the part of themselves that is buried and unacknowledged, which is why it is so frustrating.
Another book you can reference to gain a deeper understanding of trauma and unresolved issues is “The Myth of Normal” by Gabor Mate. He discusses not only how our unresolved trauma affects our relationships, but our overall health and well-being.
In the most serious of cases, these unresolved issues can develop into abusive and violent behaviours, creating a cycle of abuse between two people. This is a very isolating experience, one that people often ended up struggling with alone. There is shame or stigma attached to being in an abusive relationship. Sadly, this perpetuates the cycle of abuse and can lead to severe consequences. In some cases, it can be life or death.
Domestic Violence is considered a silent pandemic. It is only silent because it is not something we discuss openly and honestly in our society. In my own family, I learned at some point that my paternal grandmother died while my father was a child, but it wasn’t until I was an adult and learned from a distant relative that she had in fact been murdered by a man she had been in a relationship with. My father never spoke of it, carrying that trauma since childhood. Only once I understood his trauma, could I begin to understand his behaviours and choices, even though he never addressed it.
Thankfully, not all abusive relationships end with the loss of a life. However, we do not want to discount the impact that the cycle of abuse has on physical and mental health, as well as emotional and spiritual well-being. Over the course of months or years, both partners who are stuck in this cycle of abuse will feel the quality of their life deteriorate. In reading articles to prepare for this post, I noticed that most resources will list the actions of the abuser followed by the impact those actions have on the victim. It’s not that simple though. It’s a two-way dynamic, a dance of back and forth, and at times, the roles can be reversed. For example, when the passive partner reacts aggressively in an attempt to shift the dynamic, resulting in the aggressive partner declaring themselves the victim. Without help, the cycle continues. Neither person in a domestic violence cycle is happy, fulfilled or safe. In an attempt to “end” domestic violence we criminalise the actions of the abuser and offer support to the victim. However, this is as effective as criminalising drugs to prevent addiction and loss of life due to overdose.
We need to address the underlying causes and that is the unresolved trauma from childhood and previous relationships. This means normalising different modalities of healing and shadow work. Making personal development part of the curriculum of growing up and becoming an adult, so that we can all have lives and relationships that align with our highest selves. Making the unconscious conscious, so we can have conscious partnerships.
A conscious partnership is a relationship between two people who are aware of their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and who are committed to communicating openly and honestly with each other. It is a partnership based on mutual respect, trust, and equality.
In a conscious partnership, both partners are willing to work on themselves and the relationship. They are willing to be vulnerable and share their true selves with each other. They are also willing to forgive and let go of the past.
A conscious partnership is not always easy, but it is always worth it. It is a relationship that can provide you with love, support, and a sense of belonging.
Here are some of the benefits of a conscious partnership:
- Increased intimacy and connection
- Increased trust and respect
- Increased communication and understanding
- Increased happiness and satisfaction
- Increased resilience and ability to handle conflict
- Increased ability to grow and evolve as individuals and as a couple
If you or someone you know is experiencing Domestic Violence, please reach out for support. There are many online services available depending on your location. You are not alone.
Veronica Weston
Personal Development Coach